please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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