It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
