Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
