I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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