I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
its not stalking. its research.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
