She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
