I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
