I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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