Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
