so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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