And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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