You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
don't judge my taste in strippers
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
