i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
