sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
