he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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