Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
