shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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