Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Randomize