i wish peter jackson would direct porn
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
