She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
