He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
