you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
