one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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