I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
