My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize