Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
