It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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