I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
