i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
the day after is always just damage control
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
she told me i tasted like america
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
