I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Girls should come with a carfax report
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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