i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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