this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
