My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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