i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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