i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
