this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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