he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
