I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
