I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
