I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
