If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
How does one acquire holy water?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize