the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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