If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
