Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
