Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
