I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I smell like Dick and happiness
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