She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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