i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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