Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
