So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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