It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
