ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
