I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize