Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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