the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
