just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
