Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize