Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
