so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
