I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
