I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
