I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
