Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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