Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
