3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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