I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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