My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
