not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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