awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize