i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
