don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
