whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Four minutes until I can fart!
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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