she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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