I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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