i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Randomize
